Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he thought i was a dude.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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