I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
