hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
