I wish I could punch you in the face.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
