Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
