If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
