i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
