Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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