made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize