she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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