We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
