Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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