It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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