she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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