it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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