after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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