Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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