Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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