i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Little spoons don't ask big questions
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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