idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
