i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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