At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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