What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
