I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
