p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
