We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
