You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
