He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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