Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
