her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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