im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
