'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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