Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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