Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
