seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
