I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
