i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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