So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
