she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
