I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
