we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
