Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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