I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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