im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
