my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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