I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
