the condom got lost in my hair
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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