I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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