Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
