My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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