I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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