She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
