i permit you to call me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
